When "coping skills" for trauma aren't good enough

If you’ve ever been in therapy, you’ve likely heard the phrase: coping skills. It’s a cornerstone of traditional therapeutic conversations, a go-to response for managing stress, anxiety, and emotional turmoil. However, as both therapists and clients have come to realize, there are times when coping skills fall short. For many survivors of complex trauma and deep relational wounds, the emphasis on coping mechanisms can feel invalidating, detached, or even futile. I frequently hear from new clients, “My coping skills aren’t working—what do I do now?” or, "Everyone says I need better coping skills - but nothing that I try makes anything better."

Of course, stabilization is an essential part of trauma treatment. Those of us trained in trauma-informed care recognize how vital these techniques can be for guiding our clients toward their best lives. We have to be able to tolerate the pain enough to move through it - so finding coping skills that make that happen is often a place to start. However, true healing extends beyond conscious coping strategies—it must address the nervous system and its automatic responses to stress.

Coping vs. Regulation: What's the difference

A growing shift in trauma treatment involves moving from coping toward regulating. The difference?

• Coping is a conscious action—something we do to navigate difficult emotions.

• Regulation involves how our bodies instinctively respond to stress and how we can work with these responses rather than against them.

When clients feel like their coping skills aren’t working, it’s often because their nervous system is dysregulated, making it nearly impossible to implement conscious coping strategies in the heat of the moment.

The Limits of Coping Skills for Trauma

Have you ever gone somewhere or to someone for support, you got it, but it felt pretty surface level? Like something that maybe you've tried at least a dozen times and it still didn't get to the heart of the issue? Maybe you've been given advice that worked for a friend, but for some reason when you try the pain just persists. For those with backgrounds plagued by complex trauma, relational wounds and traumatic childhoods, the basic coping skills like journaling, meditation apps, deep breaths, etc. just feel like someone is slapping a Band-aid on a much larger-much deeper injury. This is because a key component is missing - a fundamental sense of safety within the body that exists at a subconscious level. We do not "cope" our way to safety.

Why Nervous System Regulation Matters

Our nervous system—particularly the balance between the sympathetic (fight-or-flight) and parasympathetic (rest-and-digest) branches—plays a central role in emotional health. Chronic stress and trauma can dysregulate this system, leading to heightened anxiety, irritability, and difficulty focusing. When therapists shift the conversation from "how do we cope?" to "how do we regulate?", they help clients build a foundation of internal safety that makes coping skills more accessible.

Clients at Woven Wholeness often ask why we use certain therapeutic techniques. By incorporating nervous system regulation into our work, we help them understand how their brain and body interact. This knowledge enables them to rebuild the connection between mind and body, fostering genuine healing rather than just symptom management.

Practical Regulation Strategies

Rather than simply encouraging distraction or redirection, regulation strategies aim to engage the nervous system in ways that promote safety and balance:

• Co-regulation: Using connection with another person to stabilize emotions.

• Breathwork that matches the body's needs: Slow breathing for calming, but more active breathwork for those who feel shut down.

• Movement-based interventions: Gentle stretching, shaking, or tapping to shift nervous system states.

• Sensory engagement: Finding soothing or grounding sensory inputs to reconnect with the present moment.

  
  

Empowering Clients Through Understanding

By shifting our language and therapeutic focus, we empower clients to move beyond merely "managing" emotions. Instead, they gain a deeper understanding of their own nervous system, allowing them to navigate life’s challenges with greater resilience and self-awareness.

This shift doesn’t just benefit clients—it strengthens the therapeutic relationship and creates a more attuned, effective healing space. When we equip clients with the tools to regulate rather than just cope, we set them on the path toward lasting transformation.